my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I love having hate sex.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
