And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
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Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
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I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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