Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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