Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
