I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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