i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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