I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
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I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
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I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.