The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
he thought i was a dude.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Randomize
