so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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