Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
