if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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