Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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