No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
