i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
you didnt know i had herpes?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Randomize
