He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
