Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
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