Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
