i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
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