i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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