Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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