I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Randomize
