Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
