i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
