so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
