she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Come on in and take your pants off
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