We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
