shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
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