I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Boobs are out for the taking
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
