We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
