You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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