he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
