I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Randomize
