Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
