mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
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Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
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even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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