My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
