So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
