we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
