If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
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