I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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