You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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