i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
