I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
