First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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