Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
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