When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
