just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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