i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
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Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
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oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
FUCK WHALES
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
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