Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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