I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
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Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
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Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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