dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
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