I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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