I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
