I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
