Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
