If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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