I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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